The Holy Wannabe: 2011

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Wasted on the Way?

December 24 is the last day of Advent. So here we are at the end of the first reflective/penitential season of the Liturgical Year. Like many others, I began Advent saying, "This year I'm going to (insert awesome spiritual practices here which by the end of Advent would fly me to a spiritual height of which even St. Teresa of Avila would be jealous). I'm NOT going to waste Advent this year!" So how'd I do? And by what standards can you measure "success" in such an endeavor?

"Well, Lord, I did better than last year!" sounds a little too close to, "Well I didn't sin as badly as I did last year!" Um...great?!?!?!

I cannot compare myself today to myself one year ago. I cannot compare myself to my neighbor. There is one standard by which we are judged: Be holy as your Father who is in Heaven. Yes well, in that case I suppose I will always know the answer to these million dollar questions. It doesn't matter if I "succeeded" in completing the St. Andrew novena, or kept up with the readings in Divine Intimacy, or got to daily Mass every day in Advent, or completed the Jesse Tree project. Had I actually accomplished this, I would likely be full of a spiritual pride that should be avoided at all costs, the kind that says, "I did it!"

No, indeed. "I" didn't do anything, not by myself. If I succeeded in doing anything of spiritual merit this Advent, it was only by cooperating with the grace of God. Even then, did I cooperate well, or am I a fair-weather cooperator, cooperating with grace when it is easy, or has an easily discernable positive result?

And so I come to the end of Advent reminding myself that yes, there were some positives about this Advent, but it had less to do with "me" than it did with God's help, because when the rubber hit the road, as it always does, I hit the skids. I suppose that I can take consolation in the fact that I did not give up completely on trying. You could say I crashed, but I didn't burn.* For once I suppose I will come out of Advent saying that it wasn't a completely wasted one, although any time we do not cooperate with God's grace and seek to grow in holiness, we are wasting both grace and time. That said, I remain somewhat hopeful for Lent. Somewhat.

Perhaps then, if my goals are focused more on the daily spiritual battle I am to expect, and less on which Mansion I will find myself in at the end of the season if I do A, B, C, and D, then I might cease to be such a Wannabe!

May you all be blessed by the Newborn King, upon whom depends the salvation, sanctification, and eternal happiness of the whole human race. May our gift to this King be our cooperation with the grace He gifts to us so that we may fulfill our call to holiness.

*Now however will I get these thoughts out of my head?!-- St. Peter at the gates doing the life review, taking out his pen, clicking it with a sigh, looking at me sternly and saying, "Well C, you certainly crashed...but you're not going to burn. Now if only you'd restricted your speech to duty and charity, you'd have made it in through the express elevator. (insert random The Price is Right losing tune here)"?

Monday, December 19, 2011

God Answers the Holy Wannabe

Although my time is short, as it always is in the morning, I cannot resist sharing what just happened in the last hour. If you read the previous post entitled "Spiritual Direction, BFF Style" then you are aware of some of the struggles playing out in my soul, most notably that of fitting silence and contemplation within my vocation as a wife and mother of many, and how my Holy Family Institute vocation fits in with all of that. For a brief moment last night, I had a fleeting doubt about whether I might not be a good fit for the HFI, and as I'm still in the process of discernment, I did not let it bother me, but God has seen fit to put that doubt to rest, at least where my current struggles are concerned. How'd He do that?

I picked up the December 2011 issue of Concord, the spiritual journal of the Holy Family Institute. You can view issues current and past here: http://www.vocations-holyfamily.com/concordonline.html (clicking will open it in a new window so you won't lose the awesomeness of this blog post). Without really thinking, I just opened it up to the article entitled "The Word of God." I will post the images of the article here, and as the whole article is very good, I will include it all, but to know where God spoke to me so clearly it was almost audible, you have to read the sixth and seventh pages. He even addresses one of my major judgment fears. I think the message couldn't have been any clearer if Jesus knocked on my front door and said to my face, "Stay. Keep going forward." Absolutely, Lord. And THANK YOU!!! Enjoy this read from the December 2011 Concord. Click on the images to make them readable.

Spiritual Direction, BFF Style

Ever since I first saw the book Divine Intimacy, I have been intrigued with it. I first saw it next to one of Mother Angelica's nuns at the Shrine in Hanceville, AL. I was hooked just by the title. What lay in the pages of the book, however, was the sort of direction I had been thirsting for for a long time. It has spiritual meditations for every day of the liturgical year. There are two meditations, one for the morning and one for the evening, and a long prayer called a "colloquy". You put this book into practice, and you'll be whisked off into the greatest love affair of all time. The key, of course, is putting the book into practice. And so we come to tonight's episode of The Young and the Spiritually Restless. This is not one for the easily scandalized.

Facing a two hour trip home from the latke party we were at today, I decided to do some catching up with my BFF. We'll call her Juana Paula because she really loves Pope John Paul II. This woman is a spiritual powerhouse. Juana Paula knows I've been trying to make this the year that I commit to Divine Intimacy. She also is familiar with my budding vocation to the Holy Family Institute, the branch of the Pauline Family that consists of married men and women who make vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. Without further ado, here is our conversation in which she gives some good spiritual direction, I do some turning inward, and autocorrect tries to ruin another life. I will be going by Stinky in this conversation, for I have been trying to convince Juana Paula that I can not only bilocate, but can do an interspecies bilocation as a stink bug. Her house is a stink bug safe haven. I'm the one that smells like coffee and chocolate. Our husbands also have highly appropriate alternative names. Also, please excuse the crazy spacing. I could only do so much while nursing the baby to sleep! Read on...

Stinky

Well thank you.

So Divine Intimacy is kicking my bootay

Juana Paula

refrainig from inappropriate comment

Stinky

Talking about finding God in silence, and not having idle excessive conversations and only talking as much as duty requires...

Juana Paula

hahaha stinkbug crawled up on my computer and is perched there looking at me.....you have given me a stinkbug neurosis. LOL

only talking as much as duty requires??

OK wait. I take issue with that because it was written by a man

Stinky

Yeah. My stink bug self is seeking God in silence. Let me find the quote.

Bear with me...

Juana Paula

Stinky

The rule of life for a consecrated soul (I think he refers to any soul who gives itself to God.. Not just consecrated religious) , even if she lives in the world, should always provide for the practice of silence; and if because of the demands of her duties, it is absolutely impossible for her to observe fixed times of silence, it is indispensible that she hold fast to this principle: To speak as little as possible with creatures in order to speak as much as possible with God. She must , therefore, accustom herself to keeping control over her words, thus avoiding loquaciousness, idle chatter (stinkbug talk? :-( ) , prolonged conversations, and excessive exchanges of confidences. The same norm which governs the use ofthe senses governs also the rules of speech-- it is to be used only in the measure required by duty or charity. Of course, it is certainly licit to talk for the purpose of taking some just alleviation or recreation, but always with moderation and within reasonable limits."

Juana Paula

honest opinon? He sounds like a tight ass :)

OK I can see no gossip, no "idle chatter" and no chatting when you should be praying.

Stinky

However it is not enough to observe exterior silence; we must also strive for interior silence, that is, silence of the interior senses-- the memory, imagination, sensitive feelings, thoughts, recollections of the past and users conjectures about the future.

(that was another quote. Want more? Lol!) gonna read what you typed..

Now every time I pick up this book I will think of his ass being tight. Great. *snort*. "then if I want to be recollected in prayer, I am unable to silence that little world of impressions, talk, imaginings, and idle thoughts of tight asses which continually brings me back to creatures.

Juana Paula

LOL
sorry....

Juana Paula

honestly though I think that his suggestions should be taken in moderation as well. especially since he writes this from a place of holiness yes, but also without an understanding of how women's brains work

Stinky

"O Lord, I know that You want greater fidelity to silence and more care to avoid spending myself on creatures. Yes O God, I will be sent with creatures so that I can hear Your voice which speaks in silence...help me I Lord to attain this beautiful interior unity which notes all my faculties in silence in order to concentrate them on You, which makes my soul attentive to every one of your words, capable of perceiving the slightest inspiration and motion of the Holy Spirit."

Stinky

Phew.

You make a good point.

When I read this description, I think of PJPII. He was always in prayer, even in the world. And admittedly a Carmelite is writing this and their charism is silent prayed/contemplation.

Prayer. Not prayed.

Oops. Typos in the prayer. Oh well.

I don't want to feel like every time I speak to someone it is only because of duty or charity and otherwise I wouldn't speak to them. Perhaps it is my understanding of charity that is deficient?

Juana Paula

yeah but I think thats why i can relate to JP2 even though i am MUCH more Franciscan - because JP2 managed an "active contemplation" a way to be fully present to those around him and to be incredibly busy all day yet have an active prayer life

Juana Paula

he had his silent time in the morning and at night and some days in the afternoon, but his day wasnt consumed with silent prayer - not by a long shot. It was consumed by prayer because I think he offered up his business and had an "interior dialogue" going on with God throughout the day
but this reads to me like we need to be silent unless the kids are going to kill themselves lol

Stinky

I hate feeling like I have to have a detachment towards everybody. Like I have to love them with no feeling towards them. Just choose to love them and fulfill my duty towards my neighbor because of God. I guess in a sense that might be holier than doing it because we have feelings to make our actions easier. But then I feel guilty for having feelings.

Stinky

#confused #gettingscrewedup #damntwitterisstillsuspended

Juana Paula

oh dear! No no! GOD gave you feelings!!!! They are GOOD! They can be disordered, but THATS why we unite ourseleves as best we can to God's will and then we can trust that HE will, through the Holy Spirit and our Conscience correctly guide our feelings

Stinky

Soooooo I can only text you out of duty or charity? When I tried to do this--cut off my social outlets--I ended up with a near nervous breakdown. This scares me. But maybe I should be not afraid?

Juana Paula

no. i do not agree (and not just because I like texts)

and texting me is a charity by the way lol

Stinky

Lmao

(something tells me you'll never buy this one LOL!)

Juana Paula

i think the core of what this guy is getting at isnt that talk should ONLY be a duty or charity but that talking idly, gossip, and nonesense is not good if it detracts from our relationship with God. Proverbs says as much about idle gossip. But to reduce communication to "duty" or "charity" which I take to mean out of love or kindness) is unhealthy in some regards.

Juana Paula

lol you got my franciscan self all riled up LOL

or maybe this wise man just didnt like people - sort of like Fr ------ writing a book on holiness -

was this by any chance written in the victorian era??

Stinky

Hahaha I have five more readings until I am caught up. We no, he says any non-necessary conversation is time you aren't listening for God and too much will leave you "dry, dissipated and empty" and unable to focus in prayer because the chats will come back to distract you in your thoughts.

Stinky

Sounds almost like spiritual snobbery :-(

Juana Paula

yeah...a little bit.... and completely ignores the fact that women need to talk to lower cortisol stress hormones and to be able to focus.

how about this one - JP2 who loved Carmelite spirituality used to talk for HOURS with is friends and collegues. HOURS and HOURS

Stinky

I get what he is saying... I know he is correct about advancing this way in the spiritual life...I have ways felt drawn to quiet and. Ontemplatikn, since my teen years, but maybe it isn't a calling for me.

Juana Paula

and when he went out with his youth group when he was a priest they used to joke around all the time...... #justsaying

or maybe it IS but in moderaton

Stinky

Wtf!?!? Onttemplatikn!?!?!

Juana Paula

lol it sounds like a sea organism

i think you discovered a new species!

seriously I registerd it as "contemplation" and didnt notice LOL

Stinky

HAHAHAHAHAHHA

I see the talk with the youth groupers as duty.
Stinky

I suppose it's all about making sure you aren't talking about pulling pork. Or about porking your hostess. *duckandrun*

#shameful

Juana Paula

nah still no guily about pulling pork LOL Our Guardian angels needed a laugh :)

Stinky

I either fall asleep or get interrupted by baby. Sad.

Juana Paula

you know what i think? you should pick a weekend and go to that monestary for a retreat.

Mr. Fuzzy Wuzzy and I can take turns helping out That Poor Man Who Is Afflicted With You

then you could sit in quiet and sort it out in your head and spirit.

Stinky

I used to awaken at 5 or 5:30 to do silent prayer. I either fell asleep or the baby woke up. Daily. Got so pissed off I quit setting my alarm.

Juana Paula

here is a question - how does the Pauline Spirituality compare to this Hard Core Carmalite??

Stinky

Wouldn't that be nice? Would love to do it in Bumpass Manor.

Juana Paula

I know ...maybe middle of the day would work better?

Stinky

"dear God, they say you want more people to pray and give themselves to you on prayer, so do it my way or I'll get mad at you."

Juana Paula

Bumpass Manor is going to be awesome.

Stinky

Pauline is much more active. It's apostolate is sanctifying media communications. Up my alley.

Juana Paula

and yet they still suggest prayer time :)

Stinky

I say particular prayers, really focus on examining my conscience (you do it 3x daily) , frequent confession, and just doing your daily duties.

They suggest a daily rosary and daily Mass if you can swing it but the bare minimum is the daily prayers and EOC's, trying to conquer your primary default.

Juana Paula

lol and what is your primary default? Mine is "stealth mode"

Stinky

Passing St. Francis de Sales.

What is stealth mode?

Juana Paula

lol you said primary "default" instead of fault

so I picked a default mode

Stinky

Oh. Haahahaha!

My primary default is caffeinated mode.

Juana Paula

#jealous

Stinky

My primary faults are likely sloth and anger.

I get a little too distracted trying to sanctify the Internet.

Hehehe

Juana Paula

can I ask a question - and tell me to back off if i am being pushy...but since starting the Divnie Intimacy thing are you more confused and ill at ease or less?

Stinky

Oh you never have to back off. Hmmm. I tend to combat my laziness by going for a really high bar. I decided in high school that I should join the military because I needed discipline. so for me it is like spiritual boot camp, a challenge. I am uneasy about not keeping up with it but that is my fault. Most of the readings are profound and make me want to strive for more and examine myself, but I havent kept up with reading much less spent any time meditating. I'd say I am frustrated but I want to be ascending the mountain. I don't know how else to achieve divine intimacy or what to meditate on etc... I just am aimless. It gives me focus.

Juana Paula

what about the Pauline Ministry? Do you feel called to it still? Do you find that it meshes with your spirituality and still challenges you to be Holier?

Stinky

I remember being on retreat in high school. It was fall or winter. The leaves were off the trees. We were outside. I felt really called to a religious vocation while there. There was a little tree or bush. It had a clearing under it. I sat there and it was "my spot". I never wanted to leave it. I wanted it to be my place of meditation forever. I can still see it. It is. I coincidence that my favorite book for years was Walden and I had only read selections from it. I wanted to name my sons Walden. No dice ;-) I have contemplative hermit in my blood.

Juana Paula

Stinky

Or else it is an ideal...a fantasy and that could very well be true. Lord this conversation could be my next blog post.

Lemme see what you said...

Juana Paula

hmmmmm walden.....I like the name .......:)

Juana Paula

hey that would be a good post! :0)

maybe Bumpass manor's neighbor will be "Walden House"

Stinky

I feel that as a mother of a large family, and one who loves to communicate, although I do not overly socialize, it is a good fit. I wish to make the three vows someday. The Holy Family Institute does not necessarily conflict with where I have felt called. I am maybe thinking that my year portions of contemplation are what is conflicting with where God has placed me.

Stinky

Year portions!?!?!?

Aspirations. Not year portions dammit.

Juana Paula

lol yea that one had me stumped LOL

Stinky

I am slow to let go of things. You likely know that by now.

Juana Paula

:)
thats why we love you

Stinky

It's like the parenting advice that I know does not work for my kids. It then I am paralyzed and thinking, "but now what?!?!"

Ugh damn typos. It'll be a funny blog post if. Itching. NOTHING NOTHING!!!!

*faint*

Juana Paula

LOL!!!

Stinky

So if I use this I will exclude your name.

Juana Paula

Stinky

Now I am stumped.

Juana Paula

yes but will you include the awesome autocorrected words

why are you stumped?

Stinky

Don't know if I should continue or just put it aside for my empty nest years.

Juana Paula

well......

Stinky

But boy if I could achieve this with a household of kiddies...* PRIDE ALERT! PRIDE ALERT*

Juana Paula

(I am trying to think of a good life doula answer)

LOL!!!

Stinky

Home. Be back in a bit. Yes please give me your life doula advice!!

Juana Paula

can I ask another question? since starting DI have you been able to keep up with Pauline commitments?

okee dokee ;)

Juana Paula

so my 2 cents is, if you feel called to Pauline vows and the HFI, then you are trusting that is where God is asking you to serve Him - in such a profound way that there are vows. If that is the case than I think your year of formation should include only things that will assist you in acheiving your discernment and keeping your commitments to the HFI. If something GOOD like DI is confusing or detracting from that than drop it. It will have its place, and you can concentrate on the requirements and commitments that are part of your formation.

Leading a contemplative lifestyle isnt out of the cards by a long shot since all prayer should, when properly ordered, lead us to contemplation, so HFI can still be a conduit for a more contemplative lifestyle - one that jives with your station and situation in life.

I am going off on another limb here but is it possible that the desire for contemplatoin and a "hermanuetic" or however you spell it) lifestyle is really a manifestation of your desire for God? and to be Loved by Him? (because - i say this with love - over stepping boundaries) because sometimes I think you forget to realize how much He loves you. Just loves you - and you dont have to do anything to make Him love you, He already does. And that while you strive to love and serve Him, its easy to forget that He is already completely in Love with you and that its a simple love that doesnt require you to jump through hoops to get to Him.

OK Im done....just thoughts.....going to go duck now :)

♥

Stinky

No. I think He doesn't know that I love Him. I do not show it very well. If you go by "Whatsoever you do..." and by the lack of time I spend with Him... When you love someone, you spend time getting to know him or her. You talk to them. I don't know...I have always-- and I told this so many times to Fr. Kelly-- imagined that I will be among those in the end who cried "Lord! Lord!" and in the end He says, "I never knew you. Depart from me." and He will do this because I failed to get to know Him, because I was too busy for Him, because of those predominant faults of mine which resulted in my treating "the least of my brethren" in ways I am not proud of.

Stinky

I am a goat.

There is more to respond to...

Stinky

Right now I'm still in the postulancy. This phase will last another two to five months. If at that time we decide to go forward with the Holy Family Institute, we will enter the novitiate and receive the statutes, which will more clearly spell out what is required of us. I do know that a period of 15 minutes of meditation daily is recommended. Whether or not this will include DI is up for grabs. Have I been able to keep up with the commitments since starting the DI book? Not so well. But in general I have been quite distracted. There's been a nervousness that I have not been able to shake for some time. You would think that at this point I'd realize that what I'm doing to deal with that isn't quite working for me. I need some mental and spiritual valium. ;-)

"is it possible that the desire for contemplatoin and a "hermanuetic" or however you spell it) lifestyle is really a manifestation of your desire for God?"
ABSOLUTELY.

So yes, while I do not have to do anything to make Him love me, I know for a fact that He wants us to prove our love to Him. I do this in a very poor way. I don't know if I'll ever feel that I'm doing enough, I mean, however could I, or anybody for that matter? The best way I can prove my love to Him is to answer His call to holiness. I read recently that many people just aspire to purgatory, and that this is very sad, because it does not have to be that way. We should be aspiring to Heaven, not just to Purgatory. When I read about the saints who were wives and mothers, there was a serious contemplative dimension to their lives; some were even mystics. I realize that is a gift, but it's not one you'd receive if you weren't disposed to it, YK? I couldn't resist. I picked up the book about Bl. Anna Maria Taigi at Lectio Divina yesterday. I am not her. I will never be her. I am not Therese's mother. I will never be her.

But I'm not quite sure who I am supposed to be. I just want to be whatever will make Him happy and I'm not batting a thousand at that lately.

Stinky

The book was published sometime around 1952. He loved people. "When I was young, I loved architecture and travelled to study the magnificent cathedrals that emerged through the centuries; and even today, coming across a monument of art, I take pleasure in it. But after having studied theology and when I began to draw near to souls, I found greater beauties, and nothing seemed more beautiful to me than to help them to live the life of God." Another quote from the book, "In 1935 Fr. Gabriel wrote that his desire was 'always this, to sanctify myself and to really love God, and make Him loved.' He wanted priests of his Order to pass on the rich tradition of Carmel, but to present it to souls of today in a language they understand."

And I think Father ------ has become much more personable over the years than he was when he started at S. H. back in '99. We both arrived at S.H. within a week of each other, so we've seen him evolving over the last decade. Definitely more personable.

There you have it. And I, the Holy Wannabe, would like to give my sincere and profound thank you to Juana Paula, not a Wannabe in any way shape or form, for yet another spiritual counseling session. Really, you should be charging me by the hour...

Friday, December 16, 2011

Spiritual Reading 12/16/11

Some meaningful excerpts and commentary on what I'm reading today:

"My soul hath desired Thee in the night; yea, and with my spirit within me in the morning early I will watch for Thee." (Roman Breviary)

I love this. In the night, the only thing my soul is desiring is a non-homicidal pathway to the bathroom, and two baby boys to continue sleeping through the night. This is a rarity on both accounts. Sure, I have had brief moments where this could have been true of my soul, but now? I suppose you could say that in seeking Him through my vocation of marriage, although I have tried to remain generously open to children, I have allowed selfishness to creep into my soul through years of living in "survival mode." In the night, I am apparently just looking out for Number One.

When I read this quote, I am reminded of the little hermitage I have desired for so long. Some call it the "Fertility Shed," and rumor has it it might be named Bumpass Manor after a town in Virginia. But I'm seeing my simple little dwelling, and myself staying in it, rising through the night, praying, singing, praying some more, listening to the wind rustle the foliage around our house. I think of my household sleeping peacefully next door, and I cherish my time in the quiet with the Holy Spirit. Sunrise beckons, and I open a window to let the fresh air in. Throw in a little bread, something hot and comforting to drink, some spiritual reading and the smell of somebody using their wood stove or fireplace and we are talking about a little slice of Heaven. I wrap things up, and invite the Lord to come back with me to the family abode, where I serve Him in my family in joy and tranquility of spirit, "no longer...troubled about anything, knowing that only one hting is necessary, 'to seek God,' and that in God it will find everything it needs."

That is my Wannabe Hermitage experience. Here's my predicted reality: I rise, and I have to go to the bathroom, because I drink too much and I have had eight kids take up residence and do the rhumba upon my bladder. No problem! This will only take a second. So I enter my house, and the homicidal pathway problem strikes again. I stumble on some toy, or trip over a pile of laundry, and some loud noise is emitted, either by me or the toy, and a small child hears. I use the bathroom and enounter said child afterward. "Can I come out with you?" "No, sweetie, you need to sleep in your bed." Shuffle said kiddie up to bed. The baby smells me within one cubic light year and awakes. Do I get him? Do I not? Let the hubby get him? What do I do? Then I stand there paralyzed until the Mommy gene takes over and I enter the bedroom to assist the poor little infant Jesus in the guise of my son. Unfortunately, I trip on the random petrified yak spleen hiding out there in the dark on my bedroom floor and kill myself. Not really, but I end up in a situation where indeed my soul is desiring Him in the night, and it just isn't going to happen. Then I am just too ticked off in the morning to watch for Him. I pitch a spiritual tantrum. Oh, the frustration of Divine Intimacy. It is no slight matter to the soul.

We were supposed to go to Mass today. I was tired, scattered, having a very ADD day. I could not focus. Three children had asked if we were going to Mass, so I put it up to a vote. They voted "Yea". So humbled and put to shame, I said, "Very well. We have a half-hour to forty five minutes to get out the door. We will not arrive late this time. If we'll be late, we won't go. Now hurry up and get yourselves ready so you can help with the younger ones." Now somewhere in the forty-five minutes that I spent getting myself and the two babies ready, the impetus to get to Mass completely disappeared in my children. So I'm raring to go, and they're...meh. They were to be pretty much good to go when I got into the van, and we would go after I checked the carseats. We'll just say it did not happen that way, and after starting the van and looking at 11:57 staring back at me--Mass begins at 12:05--I said, "Well. Nope! Not going!" And the darkness of spiritual frustration set in. That is not pretty, and I tend to get angry and say things I later end up repeating with remorse in the confessional. Guess where I will be within the next week? In the box.

So we come back around to the desired Hermitage, and the Wannabe Hermitage Divine Intimacyfest. Is it the Lord that I am wanting? Or is it my tiny little hermitage? I do want time with Him. That is an understatement. It has been eight and a half years since I went on silent retreat at Mount Saint Mary's with the Carmelites. I need that kind of experience on a regular basis. I always imagined my adulthood would be spent in calmness, contemplation and spiritual growth, not in a scattered state, just trying to eek past each day until a calmer one comes along.

Or has He been trying to tell me for the last six to eight years that I have to learn to find Him in the baby duty?

"The Lord is in the midst of you." "There is one in the midst of you whom you know not. " "Sometimes He conceals Himself from you, and you think that you will never find Him, never feel Him again. This is the time to redouble your faith, to walk 'in pure faith.'"

This is the time to end this blog, pick up my little antsy baby boy, and serve my Lord in him. God bless you.

My Wannabe Amazingly Awesome Introductory Post

For I am the LORD who brings you up out of the land of Egypt, to be your God.You shall therefore be holy, for I am holy” (Leviticus 11:44-45)

“...as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, because it is written, ‘Be holy, for I am holy’” (1 Peter 1:15-16).

I aspire to holiness, but I am far from it. When I was five they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had two answers: a saint, or a brain surgeon. We will all just shoot up a little bit of praise to the Lord that I did not end up the latter. I'm so ADD I'd probably start working on your brain and before you know it be knee deep in your liver, your kidneys, your spleen....and then not quite remember what I was doing in the first place. I figure by the time I launch all these children out of my house I'll have messed with enough heads.

So I didn't know you had to be dead in order to be a saint, in the way that I was thinking. Admittedly, that was something of a letdown, therefore I readjusted my aspirations. It was not until many years later, and many mistakes later, that I would come to learn that although none of us will be canonized in our lifetimes, we are all called to be saints here on earth, for we are all called to be "sancta" or "holy". This applies to each individual person ever created, to you, and to me. So how do we get there?

I don't want to say too much in this introductory post, as I feel much will be coming out over time. What can you expect to read here? You can expect to read about my attempts to answer this call to holiness. I suppose that sounds awfully boring, and it might be, except for the fact that I am surrounded by eight children under 15, am very ADD (as I have mentioned), have quite a background and lead a generally bizarre existence in general. My Catholic Faith is what ties it all together.

I love feedback, so please respond, and share away. I know this was not the most amazingly awesome introductory post, but I told you, I'm a wannabe.