Noise maker whooshing.
Hubby snoring...until the little girls on the other side of the wall wake him up. If I yelled to them that would wake him up...but I cannot get up because...
Nursing baby making little snorty noises in my lap and falling asleep as I type this.
His big brother asleep between mommy and daddy, but facing in the opposite direction.
One big sister baking the most amazing smelling pumpkin spice cookies for her friend's party tomorrow.
Another big sister probably off playing on her Nook; haven't seen her since we got home.
Littles woke up Daddy.
Big brothers presumably in bed.
Presumably.
Snort. Snort. Latch. Fall asleep. Unlatch. Snort. Latch...
What is that noise, and who is playing with it? Sounds like a tape measure.
Pretty sleeping baby by the light of the laptop, with perfect warm baby breath. I love this kid.
Still that noise. Can't call down because one of the cordless phones is in here and will ring.
Cabinet door closed.
Whoosh.
Closing my eyes, remembering the dream I had last night. It was weird. Expensive plants...placentas...a placenta cake...we'll just stop at that one.
Chapel in just over 7 hours.
Hubby snoring again.
Off to put baby down and transfer big brother to our couch.
Wish me luck.
Whoosh, snore, unidentified noise, cabinet....
Friday, October 19, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Transfigured
"Lord, it is good for us to be here."
Happy Feast of the Transfiguration! (over 23 hours into this Feast, mind you...) I love this day, for many reasons, and now I just have one more.
We have been acknowledging for several months now that it's time to resume going to weekly Eucharistic Adoration. I would say that we had been talking about it, but when the conversation usually goes like this:
Me: "You know, we really should get back to Adoration..."
Him: "Yeah."
*silence*
then you really can't say you've been "talking about it." Until very recently. I've learned to ask some further questions, like, "Do you think one hour to share? Or one each? When are you thinking of?" and then we actually make some progress!
So as it turns out, to bolster our conversation, what did they have at the back of the narthex after Mass yesterday? The sign-up table for the Perpetual Adoration Chapel. I could not believe the number of days highlighted with needs. It was reminiscent of the first time we signed up for adoration. There were so many available dates that we took three. We kept them for years, 2-3a Saturday, 11-12a Saturday, and 4-5a Monday. Then we had a little bit of shuffling with my day...dropping Saturday, trying I think, Wednesday, and settling on Friday evening from 8-9p for I think 5-6 years. Kermit dropped an hour, then I think changed for a little while, but it didn't work out and he dropped altogether, except for when he'd be going for me, sometimes over swaths of time where I was pregnant, early postpartum, etc. Then came Gilbert's pregnancy.
We found out about Gilbert on the Feast of the Transfiguration. Kermit's schedule became absolutely insane during the pregnancy and for nearly two solid months I could not make it to adoration. He wasn't home, and I couldn't get a pregnant me and seven children to adoration. I couldn't continue calling on the substitutes; the hour had to go. I went on hiatus, intending to resume it, but never could.
It's been about 20 months since we've had an adoration hour, the only break we have had since early 2000. We needed to do it, but I cannot say we have not experienced the spiritual side effects of it. It's been tough, to say the least.
Today all of that changed. Gil is older, and I can sneak off without him. I am not physically in need of extra hands in the evening (mentally?...that's another story!), so Kermit can afford to take some time out. We sat with the bulletin this morning, and looked at all the available hours that needed a primary adorer, and pinpointed one for each of us. Made that phone call, and left a message that we wanted to sign up, and then not long after I noticed the words:
"Lord, it is good for us to be here."
And I stopped in my tracks. These are the first words I said for all those years as soon as I got on my knees in Our Lord's Presence.
"Lord, it is good for me to be here."
How fitting that today was the day we returned to Eucharistic Adoration. May Jesus Christ continue to transfigure our lives and our very selves into His Life and His Self.
God Bless You
Happy Feast of the Transfiguration! (over 23 hours into this Feast, mind you...) I love this day, for many reasons, and now I just have one more.
We have been acknowledging for several months now that it's time to resume going to weekly Eucharistic Adoration. I would say that we had been talking about it, but when the conversation usually goes like this:
Me: "You know, we really should get back to Adoration..."
Him: "Yeah."
*silence*
then you really can't say you've been "talking about it." Until very recently. I've learned to ask some further questions, like, "Do you think one hour to share? Or one each? When are you thinking of?" and then we actually make some progress!
So as it turns out, to bolster our conversation, what did they have at the back of the narthex after Mass yesterday? The sign-up table for the Perpetual Adoration Chapel. I could not believe the number of days highlighted with needs. It was reminiscent of the first time we signed up for adoration. There were so many available dates that we took three. We kept them for years, 2-3a Saturday, 11-12a Saturday, and 4-5a Monday. Then we had a little bit of shuffling with my day...dropping Saturday, trying I think, Wednesday, and settling on Friday evening from 8-9p for I think 5-6 years. Kermit dropped an hour, then I think changed for a little while, but it didn't work out and he dropped altogether, except for when he'd be going for me, sometimes over swaths of time where I was pregnant, early postpartum, etc. Then came Gilbert's pregnancy.
We found out about Gilbert on the Feast of the Transfiguration. Kermit's schedule became absolutely insane during the pregnancy and for nearly two solid months I could not make it to adoration. He wasn't home, and I couldn't get a pregnant me and seven children to adoration. I couldn't continue calling on the substitutes; the hour had to go. I went on hiatus, intending to resume it, but never could.
It's been about 20 months since we've had an adoration hour, the only break we have had since early 2000. We needed to do it, but I cannot say we have not experienced the spiritual side effects of it. It's been tough, to say the least.
Today all of that changed. Gil is older, and I can sneak off without him. I am not physically in need of extra hands in the evening (mentally?...that's another story!), so Kermit can afford to take some time out. We sat with the bulletin this morning, and looked at all the available hours that needed a primary adorer, and pinpointed one for each of us. Made that phone call, and left a message that we wanted to sign up, and then not long after I noticed the words:
"Lord, it is good for us to be here."
And I stopped in my tracks. These are the first words I said for all those years as soon as I got on my knees in Our Lord's Presence.
"Lord, it is good for me to be here."
How fitting that today was the day we returned to Eucharistic Adoration. May Jesus Christ continue to transfigure our lives and our very selves into His Life and His Self.
God Bless You
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Torrents, Cups and Knowledge of God, i.e. Rambles Extraordinaire
I was reading my six year old a book this week when a familiar analogy was made. It is said that when we go to Heaven, that we are all perfectly happy. No two people, however, will have the same degree of happiness. So Therese asks how this can be that everyone is equally happy in Heaven when some people are clearly holier or better than others. Her sister tells her to get two cups, a small one and a large one. They fill both of the cups, and then the analogy is made that each of the cups was full to the brim, as we will be with love, happiness, God, in Heaven. The difference is our capacity to hold more or less of God, and it only makes sense that the more we love God and give of ourselves to Him, the more He can fill us with Himself. I forget who it was this week--I think the guest on The Journey Home--who said it isn't how much of the Holy Spirit you have which determines your experience of living out your faith, but how much of YOU the Holy Spirit has. I love that. So it's really been hammered home this week that our spiritual fulfillment and happiness are completely dependent upon what we give of ourselves. I know a dear soul who has left the Faith, and still has fond memories of it, but speaks mainly of his "experiences," as if the worth of one's Faith can only be summed up by the experiences said faith can offer him. I attempted to explain that we shortchange ourselves when we just look for "an experience" out of the practice of our faith. What God really is offering us isn't just an experience, but a person, Himself. This is the radicalness of the Gospel, as explained by Pope Benedict in his first _Jesus of Nazareth_ book. He wants a living relationship with each one of us. Do you have any relationships in your life? A parent, a sibling, a child, a friend? Then you know very well that in order for that relationship to thrive, you must give of yourself without counting the cost. Why would it be any less with Almighty God? And think of how much greater the return on our efforts would be in our relationship with God as opposed to our relationships with mankind. I wish all the best and happiness to those with whom I am blessed to share a relationship, but I don't necessarily have what it takes to give them what I would wish them to have. But God does.
So we know that we are here to know God, love God, and serve Him in this life so as to be happy with Him in the next. But as Father John Riccardo states, our "goal" is not "to not go to hell." Our goal is to seek holiness, a complete transformation of our being, to become more like the one in whose image and likeness we are made. If one actually becomes "holy" in this life, it is solely because he or she has given himself/herself to God so completely as to be able to receive such a gift. I imagine that takes a pretty amazing emptying of self.
All of this to come around to my dilemma. I want the big cup. I suspect I might be about, oh, the indent of a pin-prick...but I want the big cup. What do I need to do? I need to love God more, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. How do you love somebody you do not know?Do I know God? Well. I'm working on that, and yes I have certainly had some profound "experiences" of God in prayer, but sometimes I feel I do not know Him. Then I get scared, because usually when you do not know somebody, there's a chance they also do not know you, and that frightful passage from Matthew 7:21-23 comes to me:
"Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not drive out demons in your name? Did we not do mighty deeds in your name? Then I will declare to them solemnly, 'I never knew you. Depart from me, you evildoers.' (How can anyone cling to "Once saved always saved" after reading this passage?)
"I never knew you." Yes, dear reader, those are the words which terrify my heart. Frequently. Yes, I know the passage which follows this, and building the house on the rock, and the analogies to the Church, built upon the Rock, Cephas, Peter... But He says, that everyone who hears his words and acts on them is like the wise man whose house doesn't collapse. I feel I so frequently hear Him, know His will for me just simply through the circumstances of my daily life, but I run. I just refuse so many times to pick up my cross. I look at my dearest friends, every single one of them with unbelievable crosses, and they are carrying them, and I'm running scared from a mere splinter of mine. My friends are walking in His sandals, they are *knowing Him* and I...am watching. (I can just hear Jesus saying, "Are you *asking* me for a tremendous cross?" LOL! NO!)
So I crave holiness, but I run scared from the simple crosses of everyday life. I procrastinate. I feel overwhelmed and let it get the better of me. I want the big cup, but I can only get the big cup if I love the Lord enough. I cannot love somebody I do not know. I do not know Him nearly as much as I should, and the many little chances I get to do this each day I do not take advantage of. Throw in that I know I need to spend time reading the scriptures if I wish to have even an elementary knowledge of who God is. Who am I kidding? Eight kids, 15 and under? I need *time* to do that properly. I'm craving time to sit and read my Bible. I now have a portable one, with a portable Catechism and I toss them in my little bag with my Pauline prayerbook so I can keep the meat and potatoes of my faith together and available for if I ever get a break and a chance to read.
I guess where I'm going is that if 15 years of living my vocation as a mother hasn't helped me arrive at a knowledge of God that I'm somewhat comfortable with, then clearly I need more...something. I'm thinking it's spiritual reading and meditation time. If only I could meditate (and read most times) without falling asleep. When I do read I'm "in one ear and out the other" so to speak. Years of splitting my attention in so many directions has virtually annihilated my ability to be focused inwardly. I just "read...yep...check...next!" and move on. I feel as if I'm between a rock and a hard place, and I can really only continue to pray and assure the Lord of my love for Him, and keep trying to pick my crosses up out of love for Him. I think Therese knew she had the big cup. I cannot imagine how anyone could have the big cup and not know it. How do you not know when torrents of God are flooding your soul? So when I say "indent of a pin prick" I mean it, and I don't feel it getting any larger.
This isn't the Little Way I was thinking of! I want the Little Way with the Big Cup! I don't want to feel as if I'm missing something REALLY big and important, and that when I get "there" I'm going to hear, "Who are you? I don't know you.."
So I would tie it together amazingly and profoundly (not really but you go on thinking that) but motherhood is relentless today (what's new?) and I must sacrifice profundity for cuddles.
God bless you.
So we know that we are here to know God, love God, and serve Him in this life so as to be happy with Him in the next. But as Father John Riccardo states, our "goal" is not "to not go to hell." Our goal is to seek holiness, a complete transformation of our being, to become more like the one in whose image and likeness we are made. If one actually becomes "holy" in this life, it is solely because he or she has given himself/herself to God so completely as to be able to receive such a gift. I imagine that takes a pretty amazing emptying of self.
All of this to come around to my dilemma. I want the big cup. I suspect I might be about, oh, the indent of a pin-prick...but I want the big cup. What do I need to do? I need to love God more, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. How do you love somebody you do not know?Do I know God? Well. I'm working on that, and yes I have certainly had some profound "experiences" of God in prayer, but sometimes I feel I do not know Him. Then I get scared, because usually when you do not know somebody, there's a chance they also do not know you, and that frightful passage from Matthew 7:21-23 comes to me:
"Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not drive out demons in your name? Did we not do mighty deeds in your name? Then I will declare to them solemnly, 'I never knew you. Depart from me, you evildoers.' (How can anyone cling to "Once saved always saved" after reading this passage?)
"I never knew you." Yes, dear reader, those are the words which terrify my heart. Frequently. Yes, I know the passage which follows this, and building the house on the rock, and the analogies to the Church, built upon the Rock, Cephas, Peter... But He says, that everyone who hears his words and acts on them is like the wise man whose house doesn't collapse. I feel I so frequently hear Him, know His will for me just simply through the circumstances of my daily life, but I run. I just refuse so many times to pick up my cross. I look at my dearest friends, every single one of them with unbelievable crosses, and they are carrying them, and I'm running scared from a mere splinter of mine. My friends are walking in His sandals, they are *knowing Him* and I...am watching. (I can just hear Jesus saying, "Are you *asking* me for a tremendous cross?" LOL! NO!)
So I crave holiness, but I run scared from the simple crosses of everyday life. I procrastinate. I feel overwhelmed and let it get the better of me. I want the big cup, but I can only get the big cup if I love the Lord enough. I cannot love somebody I do not know. I do not know Him nearly as much as I should, and the many little chances I get to do this each day I do not take advantage of. Throw in that I know I need to spend time reading the scriptures if I wish to have even an elementary knowledge of who God is. Who am I kidding? Eight kids, 15 and under? I need *time* to do that properly. I'm craving time to sit and read my Bible. I now have a portable one, with a portable Catechism and I toss them in my little bag with my Pauline prayerbook so I can keep the meat and potatoes of my faith together and available for if I ever get a break and a chance to read.
I guess where I'm going is that if 15 years of living my vocation as a mother hasn't helped me arrive at a knowledge of God that I'm somewhat comfortable with, then clearly I need more...something. I'm thinking it's spiritual reading and meditation time. If only I could meditate (and read most times) without falling asleep. When I do read I'm "in one ear and out the other" so to speak. Years of splitting my attention in so many directions has virtually annihilated my ability to be focused inwardly. I just "read...yep...check...next!" and move on. I feel as if I'm between a rock and a hard place, and I can really only continue to pray and assure the Lord of my love for Him, and keep trying to pick my crosses up out of love for Him. I think Therese knew she had the big cup. I cannot imagine how anyone could have the big cup and not know it. How do you not know when torrents of God are flooding your soul? So when I say "indent of a pin prick" I mean it, and I don't feel it getting any larger.
This isn't the Little Way I was thinking of! I want the Little Way with the Big Cup! I don't want to feel as if I'm missing something REALLY big and important, and that when I get "there" I'm going to hear, "Who are you? I don't know you.."
So I would tie it together amazingly and profoundly (not really but you go on thinking that) but motherhood is relentless today (what's new?) and I must sacrifice profundity for cuddles.
God bless you.
Friday, May 11, 2012
A Letter to My Two Guests
Dear Ida Wanna and Ida Feelikit,
You are free to leave anytime you like. You've been hanging around here for days creating nothing but trouble. If I can say anything positive about the last few days it's that if I did anything at all it was only for Jesus because you ladies have made getting anything done very difficult. May my dear Guardian Angel make your stay so hellacious that you leave. And soon.
Not Yours, Ever,
Me
All for You, Jesus, all for You, because goodness knows I don't want to.
You are free to leave anytime you like. You've been hanging around here for days creating nothing but trouble. If I can say anything positive about the last few days it's that if I did anything at all it was only for Jesus because you ladies have made getting anything done very difficult. May my dear Guardian Angel make your stay so hellacious that you leave. And soon.
Not Yours, Ever,
Me
All for You, Jesus, all for You, because goodness knows I don't want to.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Clean Your Room!
Me, frustrated with Kiddies: "You know my goal for you was to have this week free except for a couple of minor chores but you have refused to clean your rooms and so you are spending day after day not free, but with this never-ending drudgery!"
Then I realized...this is how God must feel when we don't go to confession. He has so much grace available to us to make our lives much freer, and yet we refuse to "clean our rooms" and make our day-to-day living so difficult as a result. It doesn't have to be so hard. Go to Confession.
Then I realized...this is how God must feel when we don't go to confession. He has so much grace available to us to make our lives much freer, and yet we refuse to "clean our rooms" and make our day-to-day living so difficult as a result. It doesn't have to be so hard. Go to Confession.
Then Act Like It
It was a good Lent this year. For once, I can honestly say I am leaving this season behind in a better spiritual state than when it began, but this is not a boast. I am better off because I have a better understanding of my spiritual poverty. That is only a gift God can bestow, and I believe the soul has to be open to receiving such insight. It's much easier to hang onto a belief that we're doing fine spiritually, that we are giving all we can to the Lord, even where there is a tiny voice deep down that says, "This is good, but I have better in mind." "But Lord, if this is good, and I like it, why can't I stay here?" "Because I have called you." "Oh. I see."
He called me years ago when I was freshly returned to my Catholic faith. I didn't know to where, but I knew I was being called to a greater commitment beyond that of my Baptism and Confirmation. I looked into the Benedictine Oblates. Fr. Kelly, may his soul rest in peace, knew that wouldn't
be a good fit for me. He told me to look into the Third Order Discalced Carmelites, which meets at our parish. In about five or six years, I could make promises of chastity and obedience, and have the option of making a further vow but I forget the specifics of the vow--whether it was public, private, etc. I won't get into specifics, but five years later, in 2006, the Carmelite thing was over. It died a long, slow death. I still have an intense fondness for the Carmelite saints and Carmelite spirituality, especially their charism of contemplative prayer, but I am not called there.
The Lord calls me in ways that are hard to discern and easy to brush off. Early into the Carmelite stint, I was approached at daily Mass by a dear lady who gave me a holy card on which was information about something called the Holy Family Institute. I was fully engaged with the Carmelites, though, and said that I couldn't do both. I kept that card, though, for years, but didn't look into the Holy Family Institute.
After Carmel, I was spiritually burned and just drifting aimlessly. Oh I was still fervently in love with and never doubting of the Catholic faith, but I didn't want another failed start in a church organization. Going at it alone would likely be unproductive. I'd either be too hard on myself/expect too much, and the lack of accountability and spiritual direction would be detrimental. I remembered the card Renee gave me. I looked up the HFI online. A member of the Pauline family (I love the Daughters of St. Paul, and their bookstores are heavenly)... Media apostolate... For married couples... Church regulated vows of poverty, chastity and obedience (with a promise of fidelity to the Pope!)-- this was even more than I could have within the Carmelites. I was hopeful.
I contacted them, and got started with the daily prayers. For months, I struggled, amidst the chaos that erupted in our lives, to keep up with what was required of me as a postulant. It really came to a head when I was very gently advised that no matter how long my postulancy would last, I could go no further within the Institute if I didn't prioritize it and meet my spiritual obligations. This was in February. I had good news for Fr. Tom in March, and he was pleased. Lent was upon us and I already knew my Lent would be spent integrating the HFI spirituality into my daily routine.
For once in my life, I did not go backwards during Lent, and by the time I got to Holy Thursday, I was primed for a reflective and meaningful Easter Triduum. For those who aren't familiar with the Triduum, it begins at Holy Thursday Mass, continues at the Good Friday service, and ends after the Easter Vigil Mass on Saturday night. Not only was I determined to take part in whatever I could this year, but I wanted my oldest three children to have this experience also. They absolutely enjoyed it. Praise God!
Thursday was a beautiful service. Watching our pastor, Fr. Krempa, washing the feet of twelve parish men brought tears to my eyes. We stayed after Mass to watch them strip the church for Good Friday, and I really felt immersed in the whole spirit of the reality of what we were commemorating. Good Friday came. I was elated, for that is my favorite service of the year (although after having seen the Easter Vigil I do think there is a tie!!).
I can't really pinpoint what prompted it, or when exactly it happened, but it became apparent to me that the Lord was drawing a line in the sand for me. I really did feel called to be consecrated to the Lord under vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. I really did feel an affinity with the Pauline Order and their media apostolate, for many reasons. And yet, I had gotten myself into a routine of spending more time speaking of the Lord to others and less time actually speaking TO Him. Was I living my every moment for Him? To the best of my ability. Was I prayerfully offering my days to Him? Oh yes. Was there really anything I did that wasn't driven by my faith in and love for the Lord? Not a whole lot...but still, I was speaking to others and not enough to Him. I was distracting myself in many ways, doing things which were "good" but not focusing on the "better" to which I was being called. I was either going to continue to spin my spiritual wheels and never move forward with this call, or I was going to have to get serious. The Lord finally called me out on being a Wannabe.
"I have called you. Do you want this?"
"Yes! Yes, Lord!"
"Then act like it."
SMACK. *ouch*
"Yes...yes, Lord."
As I approached the crucifix for veneration on Good Friday evening, I told Him that when I kissed the crucifix, I would be leaving there at his feet everything which came between me and my calling towards a vowed, consecrated life in the Holy Family Institute. I begged that He, in the Holy Communion I would receive shortly thereafter, and on Easter Vigil, would give me the grace and strength to carry through on this promise.
And so here we are. This Easter I celebrated the new life of the Risen Jesus. I also celebrated my own new life, one I have dreamed of for many years. I long for the day when I will not only be under my marriage vows, but will be under the evangelical vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. I have been under private vows of chastity and obedience, received by Fr. Kelly in 2005, but when I have completed this path, my vows will no longer be private, but public.
What does this mean? Primarily, this means that for those with whom I am in contact via Facebook, you won't be hearing as much from me throughout the day (is that a sigh of relief I heard?). I simply love communicating with others just a bit too much. However I am not only easily distracted by Facebook; I am easily disturbed and thrown off-center by some of the things I read. Mind you, these aren't faith-shaking things, just disturbing reminders of how far off-kilter and how far from reality we are becoming as a culture. Knowing I am sending eight children off into this increasingly anti-Christian culture does upset me, but I've no doubt they will leave this house prepared. Perfect? Of course not. But they will have a firm foundation to fall back on.
I realize that no amount of evangelizing is going to persuade people who really just need prayer. No amount of evangelizing is going to make up for my lack of prayer. Evangelizing and trying to spread truth are good things, but there is better. Our Lord, the Apostles, when they would go and preach the Gospel in an area, they would do so for a time, and then move on. I'd been fighting that nagging feeling, but it was time to confront it. Most people give up something for Lent. I was sort of giving up something for Easter, but it had to happen in order for me to respond to the Lord. I answer to nobody but Him.
I couldn't just leave for good, though. It is my primary mode of keeping up with many people I care about, and I do care, very much. I thought, "Maybe I shouldn't say anything. It's going to look like I'm saying, 'Well I'm just too holy for you guys! SEE YA!'" but for those who truly know me, you know I'm not like that. No, in all reality I am so "unholy" that I have to step back from all that so easily takes my focus off of what I feel is a strong call to more prayer and a burning desire to immerse myself in the scriptures and all things Pauline. Some people can handle it all, keep perspective, and have no problem Not I. Frankly, with eight children, homeschooling, and the doula/placenta jobs, something has to take a back seat. Yarncrafting isn't it (although for the amount I have picked it up in the last year you'd think so!).
So I'm still here, but not nearly as much. I am getting much practice in "X-ing" out my Facebook window when I have about five more things I wanted to look at or share. I know sometimes I will see the "irresistable" share. I know sometimes I'll go over the minute or two I allow myself to check, and I pray I will never spend that time in vain. I am returning to this blog now, because sometimes I do have things I would love to share, but even that must be kept in moderation.
In my most recent note from Father Tom, it was alluded to that Kermit and I will be admitted to the Novitiate of the Holy Family Institute at their three-day retreat (they call it their "Triduum"!) in September. I'm in about as much disbelief at that as I was at catching a baby on Monday!
If there is any intention I can pray for for you, even if you do not elaborate and just say "special intention", do let me know. I keep a book of intentions and will pray for them. If there is anything you definitely want me to see or know, private message me. It will show up as a notification on my phone and I'll see it right away. I will not necessarily see things on my wall anytime soon after you post it! That's all for now. Pray for me, and I will pray for you.
Yours in the Risen Christ,
The Holy Wannabe
PS. The official definition of the HFI is as follows:
"The Holy Family Institute
A Religious Institute made up of married or widowed people which is 'aggregated' to, or is a branch of, a larger Religious Family, the 'Pauline Family'. Its members make Church-sanctioned religious vows, as in Secular Institutes, adapted according to the conditions of the married state and the normal requirements of family life.
Membership in the Holy Family Institute is open to any Catholic husband and wife who lead normal lives and observe the teaching of the Church in their marriages. There is no upper age limit or special educational requirements. Widows, widowers and childless couples are also eligible."
To learn more, visit: http://www.vocations-holyfamily.com/join.html
He called me years ago when I was freshly returned to my Catholic faith. I didn't know to where, but I knew I was being called to a greater commitment beyond that of my Baptism and Confirmation. I looked into the Benedictine Oblates. Fr. Kelly, may his soul rest in peace, knew that wouldn't
be a good fit for me. He told me to look into the Third Order Discalced Carmelites, which meets at our parish. In about five or six years, I could make promises of chastity and obedience, and have the option of making a further vow but I forget the specifics of the vow--whether it was public, private, etc. I won't get into specifics, but five years later, in 2006, the Carmelite thing was over. It died a long, slow death. I still have an intense fondness for the Carmelite saints and Carmelite spirituality, especially their charism of contemplative prayer, but I am not called there.
The Lord calls me in ways that are hard to discern and easy to brush off. Early into the Carmelite stint, I was approached at daily Mass by a dear lady who gave me a holy card on which was information about something called the Holy Family Institute. I was fully engaged with the Carmelites, though, and said that I couldn't do both. I kept that card, though, for years, but didn't look into the Holy Family Institute.
After Carmel, I was spiritually burned and just drifting aimlessly. Oh I was still fervently in love with and never doubting of the Catholic faith, but I didn't want another failed start in a church organization. Going at it alone would likely be unproductive. I'd either be too hard on myself/expect too much, and the lack of accountability and spiritual direction would be detrimental. I remembered the card Renee gave me. I looked up the HFI online. A member of the Pauline family (I love the Daughters of St. Paul, and their bookstores are heavenly)... Media apostolate... For married couples... Church regulated vows of poverty, chastity and obedience (with a promise of fidelity to the Pope!)-- this was even more than I could have within the Carmelites. I was hopeful.
I contacted them, and got started with the daily prayers. For months, I struggled, amidst the chaos that erupted in our lives, to keep up with what was required of me as a postulant. It really came to a head when I was very gently advised that no matter how long my postulancy would last, I could go no further within the Institute if I didn't prioritize it and meet my spiritual obligations. This was in February. I had good news for Fr. Tom in March, and he was pleased. Lent was upon us and I already knew my Lent would be spent integrating the HFI spirituality into my daily routine.
For once in my life, I did not go backwards during Lent, and by the time I got to Holy Thursday, I was primed for a reflective and meaningful Easter Triduum. For those who aren't familiar with the Triduum, it begins at Holy Thursday Mass, continues at the Good Friday service, and ends after the Easter Vigil Mass on Saturday night. Not only was I determined to take part in whatever I could this year, but I wanted my oldest three children to have this experience also. They absolutely enjoyed it. Praise God!
Thursday was a beautiful service. Watching our pastor, Fr. Krempa, washing the feet of twelve parish men brought tears to my eyes. We stayed after Mass to watch them strip the church for Good Friday, and I really felt immersed in the whole spirit of the reality of what we were commemorating. Good Friday came. I was elated, for that is my favorite service of the year (although after having seen the Easter Vigil I do think there is a tie!!).
I can't really pinpoint what prompted it, or when exactly it happened, but it became apparent to me that the Lord was drawing a line in the sand for me. I really did feel called to be consecrated to the Lord under vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. I really did feel an affinity with the Pauline Order and their media apostolate, for many reasons. And yet, I had gotten myself into a routine of spending more time speaking of the Lord to others and less time actually speaking TO Him. Was I living my every moment for Him? To the best of my ability. Was I prayerfully offering my days to Him? Oh yes. Was there really anything I did that wasn't driven by my faith in and love for the Lord? Not a whole lot...but still, I was speaking to others and not enough to Him. I was distracting myself in many ways, doing things which were "good" but not focusing on the "better" to which I was being called. I was either going to continue to spin my spiritual wheels and never move forward with this call, or I was going to have to get serious. The Lord finally called me out on being a Wannabe.
"I have called you. Do you want this?"
"Yes! Yes, Lord!"
"Then act like it."
SMACK. *ouch*
"Yes...yes, Lord."
As I approached the crucifix for veneration on Good Friday evening, I told Him that when I kissed the crucifix, I would be leaving there at his feet everything which came between me and my calling towards a vowed, consecrated life in the Holy Family Institute. I begged that He, in the Holy Communion I would receive shortly thereafter, and on Easter Vigil, would give me the grace and strength to carry through on this promise.
And so here we are. This Easter I celebrated the new life of the Risen Jesus. I also celebrated my own new life, one I have dreamed of for many years. I long for the day when I will not only be under my marriage vows, but will be under the evangelical vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. I have been under private vows of chastity and obedience, received by Fr. Kelly in 2005, but when I have completed this path, my vows will no longer be private, but public.
What does this mean? Primarily, this means that for those with whom I am in contact via Facebook, you won't be hearing as much from me throughout the day (is that a sigh of relief I heard?). I simply love communicating with others just a bit too much. However I am not only easily distracted by Facebook; I am easily disturbed and thrown off-center by some of the things I read. Mind you, these aren't faith-shaking things, just disturbing reminders of how far off-kilter and how far from reality we are becoming as a culture. Knowing I am sending eight children off into this increasingly anti-Christian culture does upset me, but I've no doubt they will leave this house prepared. Perfect? Of course not. But they will have a firm foundation to fall back on.
I realize that no amount of evangelizing is going to persuade people who really just need prayer. No amount of evangelizing is going to make up for my lack of prayer. Evangelizing and trying to spread truth are good things, but there is better. Our Lord, the Apostles, when they would go and preach the Gospel in an area, they would do so for a time, and then move on. I'd been fighting that nagging feeling, but it was time to confront it. Most people give up something for Lent. I was sort of giving up something for Easter, but it had to happen in order for me to respond to the Lord. I answer to nobody but Him.
I couldn't just leave for good, though. It is my primary mode of keeping up with many people I care about, and I do care, very much. I thought, "Maybe I shouldn't say anything. It's going to look like I'm saying, 'Well I'm just too holy for you guys! SEE YA!'" but for those who truly know me, you know I'm not like that. No, in all reality I am so "unholy" that I have to step back from all that so easily takes my focus off of what I feel is a strong call to more prayer and a burning desire to immerse myself in the scriptures and all things Pauline. Some people can handle it all, keep perspective, and have no problem Not I. Frankly, with eight children, homeschooling, and the doula/placenta jobs, something has to take a back seat. Yarncrafting isn't it (although for the amount I have picked it up in the last year you'd think so!).
So I'm still here, but not nearly as much. I am getting much practice in "X-ing" out my Facebook window when I have about five more things I wanted to look at or share. I know sometimes I will see the "irresistable" share. I know sometimes I'll go over the minute or two I allow myself to check, and I pray I will never spend that time in vain. I am returning to this blog now, because sometimes I do have things I would love to share, but even that must be kept in moderation.
In my most recent note from Father Tom, it was alluded to that Kermit and I will be admitted to the Novitiate of the Holy Family Institute at their three-day retreat (they call it their "Triduum"!) in September. I'm in about as much disbelief at that as I was at catching a baby on Monday!
If there is any intention I can pray for for you, even if you do not elaborate and just say "special intention", do let me know. I keep a book of intentions and will pray for them. If there is anything you definitely want me to see or know, private message me. It will show up as a notification on my phone and I'll see it right away. I will not necessarily see things on my wall anytime soon after you post it! That's all for now. Pray for me, and I will pray for you.
Yours in the Risen Christ,
The Holy Wannabe
PS. The official definition of the HFI is as follows:
"The Holy Family Institute
A Religious Institute made up of married or widowed people which is 'aggregated' to, or is a branch of, a larger Religious Family, the 'Pauline Family'. Its members make Church-sanctioned religious vows, as in Secular Institutes, adapted according to the conditions of the married state and the normal requirements of family life.
Membership in the Holy Family Institute is open to any Catholic husband and wife who lead normal lives and observe the teaching of the Church in their marriages. There is no upper age limit or special educational requirements. Widows, widowers and childless couples are also eligible."
To learn more, visit: http://www.vocations-holyfamily.com/join.html
Monday, February 20, 2012
Submit Part II: You Accept Our Money, You Play By Our Rules
"But the Church accepts federal money, so they need to play by federal rules!"
Not necessarily. My response, and then a little more following:
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As a blanket statement, accepting federal money does not mean you forfeit your constitutional rights. For instance, in Louisiana, when the Federal Government tried to force the state to raise the legal drinking age from 18 to 21 on the premise that the state was receiving federal funds for highways, the courts ruled that Louisiana did not have to comply with this federal regulation even though they were receiving federal money.
So the question is, can the federal government override constitutionally protected rights by giving of their money? I'm going to bet no. This mandate does not even exclude organizations which don't accept federal money; it's a red herring argument.
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If this is the game that the federal government is going to play, then the Catholic Church and its organizations need to tell the federal government, "To hell with your money," just as they have told us, "To hell with your beliefs and rights." If the bishops have said that they'd go to jail before complying with this unjust mandate, I'm pretty sure they'll be happy to tell the feds where they can put their money.
This needs to get to the Supreme Court. It doesn't have a leg to stand on. And no, I'm no lawyer. But I know a great one. Thanks, Amazing Advocate!
Not necessarily. My response, and then a little more following:
--------------------------------------------------
As a blanket statement, accepting federal money does not mean you forfeit your constitutional rights. For instance, in Louisiana, when the Federal Government tried to force the state to raise the legal drinking age from 18 to 21 on the premise that the state was receiving federal funds for highways, the courts ruled that Louisiana did not have to comply with this federal regulation even though they were receiving federal money.
So the question is, can the federal government override constitutionally protected rights by giving of their money? I'm going to bet no. This mandate does not even exclude organizations which don't accept federal money; it's a red herring argument.
-------------------------------------------------
If this is the game that the federal government is going to play, then the Catholic Church and its organizations need to tell the federal government, "To hell with your money," just as they have told us, "To hell with your beliefs and rights." If the bishops have said that they'd go to jail before complying with this unjust mandate, I'm pretty sure they'll be happy to tell the feds where they can put their money.
This needs to get to the Supreme Court. It doesn't have a leg to stand on. And no, I'm no lawyer. But I know a great one. Thanks, Amazing Advocate!
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