Then Act Like It

It was a good Lent this year. For once, I can honestly say I am leaving this season behind in a better spiritual state than when it began, but this is not a boast. I am better off because I have a better understanding of my spiritual poverty. That is only a gift God can bestow, and I believe the soul has to be open to receiving such insight. It's much easier to hang onto a belief that we're doing fine spiritually, that we are giving all we can to the Lord, even where there is a tiny voice deep down that says, "This is good, but I have better in mind." "But Lord, if this is good, and I like it, why can't I stay here?" "Because I have called you." "Oh. I see."

He called me years ago when I was freshly returned to my Catholic faith. I didn't know to where, but I knew I was being called to a greater commitment beyond that of my Baptism and Confirmation. I looked into the Benedictine Oblates. Fr. Kelly, may his soul rest in peace, knew that wouldn't
be a good fit for me. He told me to look into the Third Order Discalced Carmelites, which meets at our parish. In about five or six years, I could make promises of chastity and obedience, and have the option of making a further vow but I forget the specifics of the vow--whether it was public, private, etc. I won't get into specifics, but five years later, in 2006, the Carmelite thing was over. It died a long, slow death. I still have an intense fondness for the Carmelite saints and Carmelite spirituality, especially their charism of contemplative prayer, but I am not called there.

The Lord calls me in ways that are hard to discern and easy to brush off. Early into the Carmelite stint, I was approached at daily Mass by a dear lady who gave me a holy card on which was information about something called the Holy Family Institute. I was fully engaged with the Carmelites, though, and said that I couldn't do both. I kept that card, though, for years, but didn't look into the Holy Family Institute.

After Carmel, I was spiritually burned and just drifting aimlessly. Oh I was still fervently in love with and never doubting of the Catholic faith, but I didn't want another failed start in a church organization. Going at it alone would likely be unproductive. I'd either be too hard on myself/expect too much, and the lack of accountability and spiritual direction would be detrimental. I remembered the card Renee gave me. I looked up the HFI online. A member of the Pauline family (I love the Daughters of St. Paul, and their bookstores are heavenly)... Media apostolate... For married couples... Church regulated vows of poverty, chastity and obedience (with a promise of fidelity to the Pope!)-- this was even more than I could have within the Carmelites. I was hopeful.

I contacted them, and got started with the daily prayers. For months, I struggled, amidst the chaos that erupted in our lives, to keep up with what was required of me as a postulant. It really came to a head when I was very gently advised that no matter how long my postulancy would last, I could go no further within the Institute if I didn't prioritize it and meet my spiritual obligations. This was in February. I had good news for Fr. Tom in March, and he was pleased. Lent was upon us and I already knew my Lent would be spent integrating the HFI spirituality into my daily routine.

For once in my life, I did not go backwards during Lent, and by the time I got to Holy Thursday, I was primed for a reflective and meaningful Easter Triduum. For those who aren't familiar with the Triduum, it begins at Holy Thursday Mass, continues at the Good Friday service, and ends after the Easter Vigil Mass on Saturday night. Not only was I determined to take part in whatever I could this year, but I wanted my oldest three children to have this experience also. They absolutely enjoyed it. Praise God!

Thursday was a beautiful service. Watching our pastor, Fr. Krempa, washing the feet of twelve parish men brought tears to my eyes. We stayed after Mass to watch them strip the church for Good Friday, and I really felt immersed in the whole spirit of the reality of what we were commemorating. Good Friday came. I was elated, for that is my favorite service of the year (although after having seen the Easter Vigil I do think there is a tie!!).

I can't really pinpoint what prompted it, or when exactly it happened, but it became apparent to me that the Lord was drawing a line in the sand for me. I really did feel called to be consecrated to the Lord under vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience. I really did feel an affinity with the Pauline Order and their media apostolate, for many reasons. And yet, I had gotten myself into a routine of spending more time speaking of the Lord to others and less time actually speaking TO Him. Was I living my every moment for Him? To the best of my ability. Was I prayerfully offering my days to Him? Oh yes. Was there really anything I did that wasn't driven by my faith in and love for the Lord? Not a whole lot...but still, I was speaking to others and not enough to Him. I was distracting myself in many ways, doing things which were "good" but not focusing on the "better" to which I was being called. I was either going to continue to spin my spiritual wheels and never move forward with this call, or I was going to have to get serious. The Lord finally called me out on being a Wannabe.

"I have called you. Do you want this?"
"Yes! Yes, Lord!"
"Then act like it."
SMACK. *ouch*
"Yes...yes, Lord."

As I approached the crucifix for veneration on Good Friday evening, I told Him that when I kissed the crucifix, I would be leaving there at his feet everything which came between me and my calling towards a vowed, consecrated life in the Holy Family Institute. I begged that He, in the Holy Communion I would receive shortly thereafter, and on Easter Vigil, would give me the grace and strength to carry through on this promise.

And so here we are. This Easter I celebrated the new life of the Risen Jesus. I also celebrated my own new life, one I have dreamed of for many years. I long for the day when I will not only be under my marriage vows, but will be under the evangelical vows of poverty, chastity and obedience. I have been under private vows of chastity and obedience, received by Fr. Kelly in 2005, but when I have completed this path, my vows will no longer be private, but public.

What does this mean? Primarily, this means that for those with whom I am in contact via Facebook, you won't be hearing as much from me throughout the day (is that a sigh of relief I heard?). I simply love communicating with others just a bit too much. However I am not only easily distracted by Facebook; I am easily disturbed and thrown off-center by some of the things I read. Mind you, these aren't faith-shaking things, just disturbing reminders of how far off-kilter and how far from reality we are becoming as a culture. Knowing I am sending eight children off into this increasingly anti-Christian culture does upset me, but I've no doubt they will leave this house prepared. Perfect? Of course not. But they will have a firm foundation to fall back on.

I realize that no amount of evangelizing is going to persuade people who really just need prayer. No amount of evangelizing is going to make up for my lack of prayer. Evangelizing and trying to spread truth are good things, but there is better. Our Lord, the Apostles, when they would go and preach the Gospel in an area, they would do so for a time, and then move on. I'd been fighting that nagging feeling, but it was time to confront it. Most people give up something for Lent. I was sort of giving up something for Easter, but it had to happen in order for me to respond to the Lord. I answer to nobody but Him.

I couldn't just leave for good, though. It is my primary mode of keeping up with many people I care about, and I do care, very much. I thought, "Maybe I shouldn't say anything. It's going to look like I'm saying, 'Well I'm just too holy for you guys! SEE YA!'" but for those who truly know me, you know I'm not like that. No, in all reality I am so "unholy" that I have to step back from all that so easily takes my focus off of what I feel is a strong call to more prayer and a burning desire to immerse myself in the scriptures and all things Pauline. Some people can handle it all, keep perspective, and have no problem Not I. Frankly, with eight children, homeschooling, and the doula/placenta jobs, something has to take a back seat. Yarncrafting isn't it (although for the amount I have picked it up in the last year you'd think so!).

So I'm still here, but not nearly as much. I am getting much practice in "X-ing" out my Facebook window when I have about five more things I wanted to look at or share. I know sometimes I will see the "irresistable" share. I know sometimes I'll go over the minute or two I allow myself to check, and I pray I will never spend that time in vain. I am returning to this blog now, because sometimes I do have things I would love to share, but even that must be kept in moderation.

In my most recent note from Father Tom, it was alluded to that Kermit and I will be admitted to the Novitiate of the Holy Family Institute at their three-day retreat (they call it their "Triduum"!) in September. I'm in about as much disbelief at that as I was at catching a baby on Monday!

If there is any intention I can pray for for you, even if you do not elaborate and just say "special intention", do let me know. I keep a book of intentions and will pray for them. If there is anything you definitely want me to see or know, private message me. It will show up as a notification on my phone and I'll see it right away. I will not necessarily see things on my wall anytime soon after you post it! That's all for now. Pray for me, and I will pray for you.

Yours in the Risen Christ,
The Holy Wannabe

PS. The official definition of the HFI is as follows:

"The Holy Family Institute

A Religious Institute made up of married or widowed people which is 'aggregated' to, or is a branch of, a larger Religious Family, the 'Pauline Family'. Its members make Church-sanctioned religious vows, as in Secular Institutes, adapted according to the conditions of the married state and the normal requirements of family life.

Membership in the Holy Family Institute is open to any Catholic husband and wife who lead normal lives and observe the teaching of the Church in their marriages. There is no upper age limit or special educational requirements. Widows, widowers and childless couples are also eligible."

To learn more, visit: http://www.vocations-holyfamily.com/join.html