Torrents, Cups and Knowledge of God, i.e. Rambles Extraordinaire

I was reading my six year old a book this week when a familiar analogy was made. It is said that when we go to Heaven, that we are all perfectly happy. No two people, however, will have the same degree of happiness. So Therese asks how this can be that everyone is equally happy in Heaven when some people are clearly holier or better than others. Her sister tells her to get two cups, a small one and a large one. They fill both of the cups, and then the analogy is made that each of the cups was full to the brim, as we will be with love, happiness, God, in Heaven. The difference is our capacity to hold more or less of God, and it only makes sense that the more we love God and give of ourselves to Him, the more He can fill us with Himself. I forget who it was this week--I think the guest on The Journey Home--who said it isn't how much of the Holy Spirit you have which determines your experience of living out your faith, but how much of YOU the Holy Spirit has. I love that. So it's really been hammered home this week that our spiritual fulfillment and happiness are completely dependent upon what we give of ourselves. I know a dear soul who has left the Faith, and still has fond memories of it, but speaks mainly of his "experiences," as if the worth of one's Faith can only be summed up by the experiences said faith can offer him. I attempted to explain that we shortchange ourselves when we just look for "an experience" out of the practice of our faith. What God really is offering us isn't just an experience, but a person, Himself. This is the radicalness of the Gospel, as explained by Pope Benedict in his first _Jesus of Nazareth_ book. He wants a living relationship with each one of us. Do you have any relationships in your life? A parent, a sibling, a child, a friend? Then you know very well that in order for that relationship to thrive, you must give of yourself without counting the cost. Why would it be any less with Almighty God? And think of how much greater the return on our efforts would be in our relationship with God as opposed to our relationships with mankind. I wish all the best and happiness to those with whom I am blessed to share a relationship, but I don't necessarily have what it takes to give them what I would wish them to have. But God does.

So we know that we are here to know God, love God, and serve Him in this life so as to be happy with Him in the next. But as Father John Riccardo states, our "goal" is not "to not go to hell." Our goal is to seek holiness, a complete transformation of our being, to become more like the one in whose image and likeness we are made. If one actually becomes "holy" in this life, it is solely because he or she has given himself/herself to God so completely as to be able to receive such a gift. I imagine that takes a pretty amazing emptying of self.

All of this to come around to my dilemma. I want the big cup. I suspect I might be about, oh, the indent of a pin-prick...but I want the big cup. What do I need to do? I need to love God more, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. How do you love somebody you do not know?Do I know God? Well. I'm working on that, and yes I have certainly had some profound "experiences" of God in prayer, but sometimes I feel I do not know Him. Then I get scared, because usually when you do not know somebody, there's a chance they also do not know you, and that frightful passage from Matthew 7:21-23 comes to me:

"Not everyone who says to me 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name? Did we not drive out demons in your name? Did we not do mighty deeds in your name? Then I will declare to them solemnly, 'I never knew you. Depart from me, you evildoers.' (How can anyone cling to "Once saved always saved" after reading this passage?)

"I never knew you." Yes, dear reader, those are the words which terrify my heart. Frequently. Yes, I know the passage which follows this, and building the house on the rock, and the analogies to the Church, built upon the Rock, Cephas, Peter... But He says, that everyone who hears his words and acts on them is like the wise man whose house doesn't collapse. I feel I so frequently hear Him, know His will for me just simply through the circumstances of my daily life, but I run. I just refuse so many times to pick up my cross. I look at my dearest friends, every single one of them with unbelievable crosses, and they are carrying them, and I'm running scared from a mere splinter of mine. My friends are walking in His sandals, they are *knowing Him* and I...am watching. (I can just hear Jesus saying, "Are you *asking* me for a tremendous cross?" LOL! NO!)

So I crave holiness, but I run scared from the simple crosses of everyday life. I procrastinate. I feel overwhelmed and let it get the better of me. I want the big cup, but I can only get the big cup if I love the Lord enough. I cannot love somebody I do not know. I do not know Him nearly as much as I should, and the many little chances I get to do this each day I do not take advantage of. Throw in that I know I need to spend time reading the scriptures if I wish to have even an elementary knowledge of who God is. Who am I kidding? Eight kids, 15 and under? I need *time* to do that properly. I'm craving time to sit and read my Bible. I now have a portable one, with a portable Catechism and I toss them in my little bag with my Pauline prayerbook so I can keep the meat and potatoes of my faith together and available for if I ever get a break and a chance to read.

I guess where I'm going is that if 15 years of living my vocation as a mother hasn't helped me arrive at a knowledge of God that I'm somewhat comfortable with, then clearly I need more...something. I'm thinking it's spiritual reading and meditation time. If only I could meditate (and read most times) without falling asleep. When I do read I'm "in one ear and out the other" so to speak. Years of splitting my attention in so many directions has virtually annihilated my ability to be focused inwardly. I just "read...yep...check...next!" and move on. I feel as if I'm between a rock and a hard place, and I can really only continue to pray and assure the Lord of my love for Him, and keep trying to pick my crosses up out of love for Him. I think Therese knew she had the big cup. I cannot imagine how anyone could have the big cup and not know it. How do you not know when torrents of God are flooding your soul? So when I say "indent of a pin prick" I mean it, and I don't feel it getting any larger.

This isn't the Little Way I was thinking of! I want the Little Way with the Big Cup! I don't want to feel as if I'm missing something REALLY big and important, and that when I get "there" I'm going to hear, "Who are you? I don't know you.."

So I would tie it together amazingly and profoundly (not really but you go on thinking that) but motherhood is relentless today (what's new?) and I must sacrifice profundity for cuddles.

God bless you.